daily words

supplicate

I'm not really sure how I want to start this.

Supplicate, for me, is the word I use when I think of somebody who's trying in what I imagine to be the wrong way to woo somebody they're interested in by wholly putting this other person before themselves. It doesn't quite seem like the right word to me, but it does fit with the definition.

I say this seems like the wrong way because I think I've done that kind of thing before and in doing so I'm not sure what it really communicates about me or how I see myself. What kind of person goes so far out of their own way to do favors or whatever else for somebody who's basically a stranger?

Thinking back on it now, I don't think very highly of myself then. I feel like I did those things with some sort of naïve hope that by doing these nice things for people they would want to do nice things for me and that somehow this reciprocal niceness would be a fun and worthwhile use of time.

I'm not really sure that's so true. By supplicating as I did, I put myself in a decidedly lower position, and why would that be appealing? I don't think I'd want to spend time with somebody who was trying to draw my attention by doing random things they thought I'd like. I feel like I'd probably be a jerk and simply take advantage of that for as long as they were willing to subject themselves to that.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this and I don't particularly want to spend a lot of time rehashing my own insecurities and misgivings about my relationship history.

I imagine there are times where it is appropriate to supplicate, to lay one's self at the mercy of another and put on such a display of weakness for the sake perhaps of the stronger party or maybe some spectator. I think I would like to try and avoid such situations though because I have this suspicion that things just go better for people who can put forward a unerring display of strength.

It's probably something to do with the state of mind that would presumably follow. To be so be unrelentingly self assured is something that I still finds takes a considerable effort to do.

I'm off to a weak start.